The ability to take criticism is another thing that is been forced on me in the Army. Since I was young I was infinitely harder on myself than anyone else was on me. And I didnt take criticism well. Part of it was because I judged myself so much I didnt need another outside party to hammer it home. The other was because well, criticism hurts. The Army is all about critiquing. After every single training event an AAR is conducted (After Action Review) and training is critiqued. Ive gotten good at taking personal criticism at work. You can never do your best in the Army and expect everything to get accomplished. You are always given more than you can do in the alloted time. And as Ive experienced time and time again, sometimes your best just isn't good enough.
I've employed a tactic for takin hits that I will share with you. But first I need another beer. Okay I'm back. All criticism hurts and much of it is unjustified, which is the infuriating part. I offer tip #1, honed after many embarassing emotional stuttering displays just lay back and take it in. Save your justification, clarification, anger and spitting for later. Your best initial defense against critcism is no defense at all. This make it looks like you're listening, which will defuse an angry boss. Tip #2 To make it appear as if you've listened and understood, try rephrasing the criticism in a technique called mirroring. This pacifies the boss, who interestingly enough, is human and just wants to know they've been heard. Once they feel they've been heard, the browbeating comes to a screeching halt. It's hard to criticize someone who agrees with you.
Now you only appear to agree, you aren't actually agreeing. Mirroring is a manipulation you see, not an admission of wrong doing. You take what they said and rephrase. Here's an example that I will preface from an email I acutally received :
boss: "April, stop sending me crap. You need to make all of your headings the same size and font and quit putting things in caps."
Me: "I see what you mean, the headings dont match"
I'm thoroughly fuming at this point because I didnt even do this presentation. I had to take over for the person who did because they went on vacation. It's not my fault but it is my problem.
So I mirrored what he said to demonstrate understanding but didnt bother with saying that it was not my fault.
Unfortunately I let this particular incident ruin my day because I did as many often do, diverted my attention from the actual comment to my relationship with the person that said it. This person who judged me and hurt me was someone who I'd hope to impress. I worried about the relationship and felt disliked, embarassed and outraged. I focused on the impact of the negative observation.
Some of this is unavoidable but I offer to you a method of using this in a growing way. Ask yourself the following three questions concerning the critque: Was part of it true? Have I ever heard this before? What would I have to give up if I changed?
That is your best shot at turning something hurtful into something professionally productive. Hopefully the next blog will be about GIVING critcism. Another gift I've honed in the military.
I've employed a tactic for takin hits that I will share with you. But first I need another beer. Okay I'm back. All criticism hurts and much of it is unjustified, which is the infuriating part. I offer tip #1, honed after many embarassing emotional stuttering displays just lay back and take it in. Save your justification, clarification, anger and spitting for later. Your best initial defense against critcism is no defense at all. This make it looks like you're listening, which will defuse an angry boss. Tip #2 To make it appear as if you've listened and understood, try rephrasing the criticism in a technique called mirroring. This pacifies the boss, who interestingly enough, is human and just wants to know they've been heard. Once they feel they've been heard, the browbeating comes to a screeching halt. It's hard to criticize someone who agrees with you.
Now you only appear to agree, you aren't actually agreeing. Mirroring is a manipulation you see, not an admission of wrong doing. You take what they said and rephrase. Here's an example that I will preface from an email I acutally received :
boss: "April, stop sending me crap. You need to make all of your headings the same size and font and quit putting things in caps."
Me: "I see what you mean, the headings dont match"
I'm thoroughly fuming at this point because I didnt even do this presentation. I had to take over for the person who did because they went on vacation. It's not my fault but it is my problem.
So I mirrored what he said to demonstrate understanding but didnt bother with saying that it was not my fault.
Unfortunately I let this particular incident ruin my day because I did as many often do, diverted my attention from the actual comment to my relationship with the person that said it. This person who judged me and hurt me was someone who I'd hope to impress. I worried about the relationship and felt disliked, embarassed and outraged. I focused on the impact of the negative observation.
Some of this is unavoidable but I offer to you a method of using this in a growing way. Ask yourself the following three questions concerning the critque: Was part of it true? Have I ever heard this before? What would I have to give up if I changed?
That is your best shot at turning something hurtful into something professionally productive. Hopefully the next blog will be about GIVING critcism. Another gift I've honed in the military.
