I think it's funny that when you use your credit card at the gas pump and it asks if you want a receipt, the options are: YES or NO, THANKS. Like built-in manners.
So I've been dreaming alot lately about my future. I want to be a district attorney. I want to teach kickboxing and aerobics at the gym, and I want to write a memior. I've been collecting my thoughts for the memoir, which would mainly detail the events and aftermath of Feb 14, 2003. A few random quotes from the book I"m currently reading have spurred some thinking.
"Men had to suprise me before I even thought about trusting them." Was true then and is still true for me now. Haven't gotten past that yet.
"Rape isn't just forcible intercourse--it means to inhabit and destroy everything." Definitely can show that by telling the story.
"I was afraid to feel anything; that was to feel weak." Since hell was inevitable I went into trauma Zen. I put on a show, acting the part of the strong one, not allowing real feelings, including hate, anger, rage to surface. This suppression was subsequently manifested as depression. The depression ended when I allowed myself to feel these feelings and express them outwardly. During the depression I had reoccuring dreams where I would commit acts of violence against him.
"You could not be beautiful and filled with hate." This is a notion I came up against time and again, imposed by outsiders looking in. Unable to qwell the hatred I made myself ugly to match. I didn't wash my hair for days at a time; sometimes didn't brush my teeth. I wore sweats, and sweatshirts without a bra or underwear to class and thought nothing of it. I stopped wearing makeup or when I did wear it, I wouldn't completely wash it off the next day and just let the mascara streaks stay there.
"You save yourself or remain unsaved." Therapy isn't for crazy people. I had to fight, lie and sacrifice for the right to help myself. You have to decide you want your situation to improve and take the nessecary steps to do so. No one will save you. Because of trauma Zen they think you are fine. They can't see how broken you are and you dont want to show them. First you have to admit you are broken. Then you can heal.
So I've been dreaming alot lately about my future. I want to be a district attorney. I want to teach kickboxing and aerobics at the gym, and I want to write a memior. I've been collecting my thoughts for the memoir, which would mainly detail the events and aftermath of Feb 14, 2003. A few random quotes from the book I"m currently reading have spurred some thinking.
"Men had to suprise me before I even thought about trusting them." Was true then and is still true for me now. Haven't gotten past that yet.
"Rape isn't just forcible intercourse--it means to inhabit and destroy everything." Definitely can show that by telling the story.
"I was afraid to feel anything; that was to feel weak." Since hell was inevitable I went into trauma Zen. I put on a show, acting the part of the strong one, not allowing real feelings, including hate, anger, rage to surface. This suppression was subsequently manifested as depression. The depression ended when I allowed myself to feel these feelings and express them outwardly. During the depression I had reoccuring dreams where I would commit acts of violence against him.
"You could not be beautiful and filled with hate." This is a notion I came up against time and again, imposed by outsiders looking in. Unable to qwell the hatred I made myself ugly to match. I didn't wash my hair for days at a time; sometimes didn't brush my teeth. I wore sweats, and sweatshirts without a bra or underwear to class and thought nothing of it. I stopped wearing makeup or when I did wear it, I wouldn't completely wash it off the next day and just let the mascara streaks stay there.
"You save yourself or remain unsaved." Therapy isn't for crazy people. I had to fight, lie and sacrifice for the right to help myself. You have to decide you want your situation to improve and take the nessecary steps to do so. No one will save you. Because of trauma Zen they think you are fine. They can't see how broken you are and you dont want to show them. First you have to admit you are broken. Then you can heal.
