Things I've learned in the military by either doing or observing:

1."I was drunk" is a bad response to any question posed by my commander.
2. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
3. The Microsoft ® "Dancing Paperclip" is not authorized to countermand any orders.
4. "K-Pot, g-string, and a thin coat of baby oil" is not an authorized uniform.
5. I should not drink three quarts of red food coloring before a urinalysis and scream during it.
6. The proper way to report to my Commander is "Lieutenant Ellsworth ,reporting as ordered, Sir" ...not "You can't prove a thing!"
7. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of gridsquares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ®batteries.
8. I will no longer perform "lap-dances" while in uniform.
9. Even if I take the uniform off in the course of the lapdance it is still not authorized.
10. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
11. "A full magazine and some privacy" is not the way to help a potential suicide.
12. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas.
13. The proper response to a briefing is not "That's what you think".
14. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" andthe "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
15. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.
16. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.
17. Never tell a German soldier that "We kicked your ass in World War 2!"
18. The Irish MPs are not after "Me frosted lucky charms".
19. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough foreverybody.
20. Not allowed to chew gum in formation even if I did bring enough for everybody.
21. Rank most likely to hit on you as a 22 yr old 2LT: E-6/E-7, married or not
22. Looking busy and staying awake should be a resume-worthy skill.